reminiscing

so i'm sitting home, trying to do something with my spare time, but bored at the same time. i noticed my laptop was running type slow, so i decided i might as well go ahead and kill time by deleting all this junk on here. well, i would have never thought that i would come across so many memories. i started to have a serious reminiscing moment. i mean, gosh..if i could go back to the past and change things, would i? that is something that i am yet able to answer. what do they say? oh yea, everything happens for a reason..but if there is a reason behind all the joy & pain that a person goes through, than is it safe to say that all of it is truly a blessing in disguise? i swear, if i had a time machine i'd change so much. but then what? will i be happier? will i have a better life? if its destiny, then changing the past would just mean that i'm just taking up time right? haha, who knows, hey the world may never know. i just wish that i used my brain a lot better, and made some better choices. but what the hell. 2008 is upon me, i'm gettin older by the millisecond. sit around & dwell my haves and have-nots? nope. i gotta look forward to the future...and look forward to cleaning out a bunch of mess on my new laptop (cuz i know this junk isn't going to last very long)


ya tu sabe...

median

Between victims so damaged, bandaged with excuses...they become victimizers. Walking the median between constructive criticism and judgmental criticizers. Fear of predators causing the prey to become so hungry in hiding, they feast by any means. Reality so devastating, rather than face it people redefine hellish nightmares to be heavenly…seeking to live the so-called "dream". Spiritual connections expanding beyond time, like light years defying the distance. Sacrificed for moments of passion and withdrawal, hung over with the headache from a drunken state of short-lived reminiscence. Since when do gifts become trash, and trash become the shit because they come in golden paper? Since when does wisdom become out of date, and slavery to the system appeal more than being a servant to our maker? Since when do pretty faces cause one to be condemned to nothing more than a means of exercising ones frustration and depositing short lived life? Since when is it cool to boast about being a player, taking advantage of others…yet weird and taboo to mention someone you’re dating an agenda to be potential husband or wife? Why is it so disturbing to love oneself enough to wait on or work through a blessing, rather than rush into what is already damned? Why do victims become victimizers...violating victims, weakened by pity and attempts to help and understand? Strength isn’t seeking shelter in the weak, things grow upward not sideways or down. Weakness is weakening oneself for sick ones rather than loving from a distance those that suffer from this contagious disease that is going around. If only love was as contagious, and we all strived to vibe off one conscience of love for something greater than ourselves. Maybe we’d cross the median, rather than straddle the gates of heave and hell. Wishing wells dont put out the fire when the inferno burns, fueling the situation by constantly giving in. Yet men seek sexual healing from broken women, and women, likewise, rock the boat rather then move broken men. Where does self-responsibility come in...are we not supposed to severe a limb rather than allow the whole body and spirit to decay, out of fear we lose it all for the sake of "feeling" whole. Standing at the median, rushed into contemplating things when sacrafice yeilds no option...either hold on and suffer, or suffer from the thought of letting go...wither away only to blow in the winds of life, or stay grounded and grow.

all of me by joe budden

this song really captured me, read on, download it, whatever you please.

Look, they say tomorrow’s not promised, but if it was I wouldn’t get open

Wouldn’t get suits, them shits was made to be broken

Remember coming up, dudes talking bout hoes boasting

I was just a Juvenile, moving in Slow Motion

I dropped out of school to be a dude with mad jewellery

Once I got it, shit wasn’t even cool to me

I dreamt of condo’s and video vixens

Until I learned most the girls in videos is pigeons

I just wanted the world to see I was for real with it

Wanted a deal, got it but couldn’t deal with it

I want me and my whole homeboys to still kick it

I wish they saw me as Mouse and not a meal ticket

Let the beat play, I wish I could see a day

With no he-say, she-say, I just wanna see Trey

Wanna play the Hood and not **** with the toasters

A middle child, wish me and my brothers were closer

I wanna scream at her, catch myself before I start to

And remember it takes 2 people to argue

All she do is provoke me, all I do is diss her

All I did was shake her, she said that I hit her

She just taking erry thing I say outta context

Im tryin’ not to black, Im like a nigga with a complex

Was mad as a ****, didn’t even show it

Yesterday was better off, didn’t even know it

Complete role reversal, so it’s useless these days

TV got real, music went fake..Please help her for God’s sake

When I proposed to the Game, I figured life was merry

5 Years later Im feeling like Tyler Perry

Maybe Im exhausted, maybe I just lost it

Maybe I should pick up a pen, try and force it

Same old story, guts and no gloryT

hey try and low ball me, do em like Joe Torre

I reintroduce myself to the world, nigga Im Jerz

Im a artist, I paint pictures, I don’t rhyme words

More then a rapper, I pay attention to detail

‘Bout how I do in retail, tells me if I prevail

Been long since I seen this trials and tribulations

Foul situations with some male stipulations

I feel like being an addict is a curse

There’s something bout dude that makes bad shit worse

Theres 3 types of niggas in this world, ya know?

So you either gon’ make shit happen, watch shit happen

Or not know what happened

And so I couldn’t just sit there like ‘**** rappin’

There’s dudes with problems I couldn’t imagine having

If I had to have them I couldn’t fathom me lasting

Like, I used to bump into Tammy in the club

A few of them, she even help a nigga get in

See a person long enough, you know you bound to get fly with ‘em

Care for ‘em, be more than ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ with ‘em

It’s been a while, I cant front like I aint phased

She was my reality check cuz we the same age

I mean, she put on a show that you CANT STAGE!

She made the shit sound effortless,

I was damn near in tears checking my messages

I got goosebumps all over my skin

She said ‘Mouse, I highly doubt that I’ll ever see you again

Hope everything is well kid,

See, Im just findin out I had a brain tumour, but I never felt it

The doctor’s giving me 3 weeks to live

Not 3 weeks till I die, that’s 3 weeks to give

I just wanna tell you that I love you and I care

I wish you all the best throughout the rest of your career’

And then she broke into tears

I pressed 7, took the phone from my ears

Sometimes the simplest of things, people need it

But I aint call back in fear of being speechless

What was I to put her at ease with?

I picked a real bad time to be strategic

I think my life’s bad picking up the pieces

Some folk already got their appointment to see Jesus

In this world full of diseases

I’ve learned not to bite my tongue or have seizures

Depression tells me I suck

So I reply ‘I aint here cuz I fell down, Im here cuz I got up’

And then Im going back and forth with Ransom

Shit came out of nowhere, was real random

According to him, Im responsible for Jerz too

I never helped niggas? How the **** you think they heard you

Mutha****er’s got a lot of nerve dude

I was the nigga believed in you spittin

Had to con the industry just so they would listen

But go ‘head, you just gon’ wreck yourself

How was you protectin me? You cant protect yourself?

Let’s keep the lies to a minimal, just read your interview

I cant help but ask ‘What’s gotten into dude?’

Media training, but he don’t know how that go

It help you come across not sounding like an asshole!

Then my past opened in Jail, I aint enjoy it

So why would I stand behind a mic and exploit it?

I aint ign’ant, just cuz I exercise spiritually

They try to ignore how I exercise lyrically

I thought I had a great job

Back when niggas loved the coach and wasn’t in it for the money like A-Rod

Even when Im spittin bout current events

It’s a sublime sayin ‘who’s more current than him?’

So Im wonderin if a higher power’s tryin to undermine

When you shoot for the stars, sometimes you’re gonna jam

I aint been to SummerJam

I learned from Lupe, when you ‘Dumb it Down’ it’s just harder to understand

2008, hoes is still near me

So you can think Im tired as a ****, Im still weary

The Getto Boys say it’s ‘All in the Mind’

Certain wounds only heal over time

No shame in my game, no pain no gain

And since I aint seen a prophet I figured God would stop it

Waitin on the alley, niggas just wont lob it

Im still a risk taker, let me put it in words

Cant still 2nd base and keep your foot on 1st

Been about 10 years since I been high off the Angel

Now Im walkin side by side with an angel

In front of my eyes, that prize keeps getting dangled

But cant grab at it so my pride is being strangled

Workin shawty’s nerves like a personal trainer

But it’s me, its personal, it aint her

Friends keep telling me ‘leave her’, I wont

Cuz she see’s something in me that I don’t

And I see something in her that yall wont

If you never been in love don’t tell me Im wrong

See I preach gratitude, she keeps her attitude

Argue long enough then the shit becomes laughable

My norm now since for her it’s so natural

Wish I could tell her that ‘All the niggas after you!’

So not compatible that we’re compatible

It’s nothing else in this world that we would rather do

Anybody out there relate to my pain

Turn my music up and let me know that Im sane

We broke up, *****es was starin at my chain

Dude was ****in you but starin at my name

But we aint gotta entertain all that

Back like we never left, we overcame all that**** who made better tacos or who ass fatter

Let’s live for now, right now none of that matters

We keep bringin it up it, it’s gon’ backlash us

Why am I meetin so many backstabbers?

Why when Im about to crash I go faster? Past is a disaster,

When your house is see-through, learn to close your eyes in case the glass shatters

Just sayin, its always a million more pages

When my stupid ass keep thinking im on the last chapter

No tip-for-tat, I aint equipped for that

Back in New York, chit chat with a Mitchells bag

mockery-- for Tamika

Once upon a time you needed me.
You would trace your hands,
down my spine,
with intentions of pleasing me.
That is when everything
seemed to be, fine.
But now time has passed.
I'm left with nothing but memories.
Now, you are nothing but like
other men to me.
Funny when lovers become enemies.
Probably until my life ends
I'll resent
every second we spent
Every Goddamn event that ever
Existed between us.
I used to kiss you, then fiend lust.
Don't even miss you,
I mean just,
Up and leave me like I never was
Shit to begin with.
You never cared about
What we shared
So, I've slowly let you slip
out of the notable side of my
Consciousness.
I guess it was an illusion with me.
You were just fooling with me.
Well, I was a believer.
You had a woman who needed you.
Decided to leave her.
Now she's damaged
Misleaded her.
Now the woman's fucked up.
Now the woman is stuck, between
A rock and a hard place.
This mockery of love keeps a frown
Upon her face.

Roundup

I don't want to do this anymore.
Running around in circles,thinking of ways to hurt you.
I'm not sure if using force.
Will get me the right responses.
Carrying ourselves like monsters.

Is this what happens in love?

I mean, after you fall out of it.
I mean, after you trick the one you're with
Into believing it may be over.
Speaking slurred drunk speech when sober.
Just feel like we're under the influence.
Everything is blurred when we match wits.
Your face is one of a stranger.

I feel like I'm in danger.

Lost all sense of security.
There is no return to purity.
Once lovers have been scorn.
Once the ties that bind are torn.
Everything falls out of placement.
So, maybe we should just face it.

So, maybe we should move on.

manifest

You see I loved hard once, but the love wasn't returned. I found out the man I loved, he wasn't even concerned, And time it turned, He tried to burn me like a perm. Though my eyes saw the deception, My heart wouldn't let me learn. From um, some, dumb woman, was I, And everytime he'd lie, I would cry and inside I'd die. My heart must have died a thousand deaths. Compared myself to Toni Braxton thought I'd never catch my breath. Nothing left, he stole the heart beating from my chest. I tried to call the cops, that type of thief you can't arrest. Pain suppressed, will lead to cardiac arrest. Diamonds deserve diamonds, but he convinced me I was worth less. When my peoples would protest, I told them mind their business, cause my shit was complex. More than just the sex, I was blessed, but couldn't feel it like when I was caressed. I'd spend nights clutching my breasts overwhelmed by God's test. I was God's best contemplating death with a Gillette, But no man is ever worth the paradise MANIFEST.

l. hill

deception

Talking to deaf ears...awaiting a response from a mute mouth...envisioning a warm embrace a gentle touch...from someone with no arms...no heart beat...no foundation to build on...no body for a body of tears to touch the base or feel the heart...for the depth of the eyes of the cold is endless

No light to lead the way to the final destination, only darkness in the pits of what is supposed to house the soul...out of control, the rage from the frustration of screaming peace and falling to pieces...awaiting someone to sweep the fallen off their feet...lost by default, where there really any winners when the game was incomplete...who is really the victorious, the anal or whom can except defeat...for a bigger cause

Feeding into tomorrow, today starving and picking through the decays of yesterday...say someday you'll find salvation...but right now YOUR in the way. The questions camouflage the answers, the debate is the defense...when it comes to matters of the heart...people can be so dense

Tension does not come with peace, nor does confusion court truth to fornicate...unless it is laid on a dirty bed of lies, and leaves nothing behind but heartache. Seeking to give direction, affection yields to praying for others to the Sheppard leading the lamb from the predator’s wrath...some people seek to be baptized...others simply to take a bath...Sunday drowning in lies and deception giving honor to the damned planets and false gods, even celebrating the desecration of the Sabbath...dead trees, shiny rocks, lies, poison a “cure” poison...like an addict people do anything to have it

Place a dagger down the spine of those with the will to guide you, rather than skin the spineless that placed the dagger in your hands...defensive and hostile, demanding answers to the questions...yet you wonder why you don’t understand...